Three weeks ago, I attended a roundtable discussion on Jonathan Haidt’s “The Anxious Generation,” a new book about the major rewiring of childhood. Two weeks ago, the U.S. surgeon general issued a public-health advisory on the debilitating stress of parenting. Early this week, I received a mass email in which a teenager asked the adults in his life to take note of their own phone addictions because they rival — and sometimes surpass — those of Gen Z, and he’s tired of the hypocrisy. And Wednesday, there was yet another school shooting.

I am a mother of five children, and in light of all this, it’s a wonder I’m still standing.

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reported in April the general fertility rate has dropped for the second consecutive year, including by 3% in 2023, bringing it to a historic low. Motherhood, it seems, is falling out of fashion. Women of childbearing age are becoming more and more likely to kick parenthood to the curb. And who can blame them? There’s a government-issued health warning about it. Historically, surgeon-general advisories have accompanied things like cigarettes, drunk driving and the disease risk factors of unprotected sex. To throw the role of “mommy” in with that lot feels disorienting and downright scary.

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When I first heard about the public-health advisory about parenting, I bristled. It’s an election year, after all. It’s hard not to receive news out of Washington with a subconscious posture of cynicism. As a mom who loves being a mom, I felt eager to respond to this “warning,” to defend the beauties of family life for the sake of would-be mothers who are trying to make long-term decisions in the throes of this exhaustingly unstable era. All hot and bothered, I began my rebuttal to the surgeon general’s warning with sparks practically flying off my fingertips.

But to respond with civility and level-headedness, I first reread the advisory. U.S. Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy writes, “Parents have a profound impact on the health of our children and the health of society. Yet parents and caregivers today face tremendous pressures from familiar stressors such as worrying about their kids’ health and safety and financial concerns to new challenges like navigating technology and social media, a youth mental health crisis and an epidemic of loneliness that has hit young people the hardest.”

Pressure, stress, safety, finances, social media, mental health — those are all common concerns. So far, Murthy is right on. He continues, “With this advisory, I am calling for a fundamental shift in how we value and prioritize the mental health and well-being of parents. I am also outlining policies, programs and individual actions we can all take to support parents and caregivers.”

When I read words like “policies” and “programs,” I know I’ve waded into political territory, and that is not my lane. However, when the government makes grand, sweeping statements about the difficulties of raising children in this particular space and time, I am your boots-on-the-ground girl.

Currently, Jim and I have two high schoolers, a middle schooler, and two elementary-aged children. To offer a glimpse of where we are, someone in our family is currently reading each of the following works of literature: “Sir Gawain and the Green Knight,” “Their Eyes Were Watching God,” “Lord of the Flies,” The Baby-Sitters Club series and the Junie B. Jones series. We have a new driver and also a kid who is still learning to ride a bike. If anyone has a finger on the pulse of what it feels like to be a modern American mother, it’s me.

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Murthy is not wrong. This culture is a difficult place to raise children. And I would not dream of trying to convince someone to embrace childbearing or adoption if they did not possess an innate desire to do so. One long night with a colicky baby, and that person would ask to have my head on a platter. But if I could say a word to a young woman caught in a place of indecision on the matter, I would say this: If you have the opportunity to be a mother, and not everyone does, don’t sacrifice a love as rich as that one on the altar of our confused and unsupportive society. Don’t make the mistake of kicking parenting to the curb because of our culture.

Kick the culture to the curb instead.

That can look like a million different things. There are pressures coming at us constantly that suggest families keep up with the Joneses or their kids will fall behind forever.

This is simply not true.

Don’t be afraid to throw those norms to the wind. Do things like skip competitive club sports altogether; kids often burn out anyway. Eat dinner as a family frequently; it really is possible. Give children chores early, and let them do their own laundry starting around third grade. Have them share bedrooms; they’re building friendships that will last longer than you will. Play board games; they’re less boring than you think. Eat outside. Have silly traditions. Let them skip school every once in a while. And don’t be afraid to discipline your kids; someday they’ll need to discipline themselves for the sake of their own flourishing.

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Let me be clear: I don’t know a soul who can do this alone. It does, in fact, take a village to raise a child, and the surgeon general has warned the cultural context in which we find ourselves is snatching more from parents than it offers in return. So consider where you might find your own support team.

Start with Dad. If you’re a dad, are you around and engaged? It’s an important question because your own long-term loss will be profound if you are doing anything but being the first line of support for the children you have fathered and, on some level, the mother they love. That support looks different in different families. Sometimes it means you make the effort to show up in the flesh. For some men, it means you put down your phone so you are totally and completely mentally engaged. But your presence in a variety of ways is not a luxury. It’s utterly critical.

The second line of support could be extended family or a local friend group. Many in that category may not have grown up with a “village” mindset, so knowing where and how to help might not be intuitive for them. In fact, it may feel very uncomfortable. However, there is a deep desire right now even among adults to be better connected with the communities that surround them. Your need transforms into a welcome invitation every time you trust others and engage their help with parenting. The gift of raising a child is not just a gift for you, it’s a gift for everyone your family is connected with.

The third line of support could be the people in your church. You may not know this, but church is a fantastic place to be when you have kids. Typically, a church body will bring home-cooked meals the minute a new mom arrives home from the hospital, and usually, they keep it up for a while. This isn’t because they’re Southern. Rather, it’s because, fundamentally, they celebrate life. If they truly believe Jesus rose from the dead, then the concept of life constitutes the essence of their faith.

To celebrate alongside you, they will bring warm, festive, inviting meals to your door so you won’t have to worry about mundane things like cooking. Instead, you can cuddle, snuggle and soak in the stunningly beautiful mystery of your new favorite little person — the person with the softest skin you’ve ever touched and the sweetest face you’ve ever beheld — while the scent of a warm meal wafts in from the kitchen. Perhaps you didn’t know grace could smell like roast and mashed potatoes and chocolate chip cookies.

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Church families do this so you won’t forget there’s a whole host of people praying for you, supporting you and cheering you on. And so you won’t forget you’re not alone. And so you will remember God loves your child, and he loves you, too.

Actually, God knows what it feels like to be a parent. The Bible says his son Jesus died on your behalf and on my behalf so God could be with us forever. And so whether you choose to engage a village as you pursue motherhood or keep things the way they are now, that love — the love of God — is the most important love any of us will ever know. And it will never, ever fall out of fashion.

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As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you.

Isaiah 66:13

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Last note: As a writer, I find inspiration everywhere. Music, both religious and secular, is almost always woven into my thinking as I write. With the permission of The Daily Memphian, sometimes I’ll link to a song that corresponds to the topic of my article. Here is this week’s song: “How Deep the Father’s Love” by Chelsea Moon & Uncle Daddy.