Conaway: ‘I intend to live forever. So far, so good.’
Dan Conaway
Dan Conaway was a freelance columnist with The Daily Memphian from 2018 to 2025.
That thought is from my favorite philosopher, comedian Steven Wright.
We’ve just finished an election here, and we have another one coming up. So, we’re going to continue to be buried in the stuff of campaigns.
You know, absolutes that aren’t really absolutes. Deep thoughts that are actually incredibly shallow, truths that are anything but, and promises that will never be kept.
Steven Wright (at the 2017 World Premiere of "The Emoji Movie") once said, “I intend to live forever. So far, so good.” (Willy Sanjuan/Invision/AP file)
I promise.
Steven Wright is my go-to in such times. For instance:
“I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.”
About a year ago, I shared a curated collection of such things — I was the curator — and it seems a good time for another. What follows isn’t from Wright, I just opened with him to set the mood. These selections come primarily from things friends Steve White and Gene Katz have found and shared, and from a few others, and a few from me.
On aging:
Being a little older, I’m very fortunate to have someone who calls and checks on me every day. He’s from India and he’s very concerned about my car warranty.
I used to be able to do cartwheels. Now I tip over putting on my underwear.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
I really don’t mind getting old, but my body is throwing a fit.
Life is too short to waste time matching socks.
I do pick up my dog’s poop. But by the time I get down there, the reward doesn’t seem worth the effort.
I’ve reached the age where my train of thought often leaves the station without me.
When I say, “the other day,” I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
On marriage:
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes ... so she hugged me.
My wife says I only have two faults. I don’t listen, and something else ...
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for Tuesday.
My wife keeps telling me I can’t hear. “I know,” I keep answering, but she doesn’t hear me. If we get any louder, the neighbors are going to call the cops. Again.
On health:
The doctor said my weight is fine. I’m just 11 feet too short.
Me: (sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) ... I can’t see you anymore... I am not going to let you hurt me like this again. Trainer: It was a sit up. You did one sit up.
Day 12 without chocolate ... lost hearing in my left eye.
On technology:
I won’t be impressed with technology until I can download food.
Wi-Fi went down for five minutes, so I had to talk to my family. They seem like nice people.
On grammar (for our daughter Hallie):
The fact that Arkansas and Kansas are pronounced differently bothers me way more than it should.
Is the “s” or “c” in scent silent?
Why does fridge have a “d” in it, but refrigerator doesn’t?
The word “queue” is just a “q” followed by four silent letters.
Some general observations:
Hold on while I overthink this.
My dream job would be driving the karma bus.
If you’re sitting somewhere in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and ask, “Did you bring the money?”
I don’t care who dies in a movie, as long as the dog lives.
If the dog dies, before the movie’s over, whoever killed the dog will die. Badly. Screenwriters have a certain code.
I said I was good at making decisions. I didn’t say the decisions I made were good,
Common sense is not a gift; It’s a punishment because you have to deal with everyone who doesn’t have it.
I’m bored. I think I’ll go out to Saddle Creek, find a great parking spot, and sit in the car with my reverse lights on.
Oops.... did I roll my eyes out loud?
And finally, a selection of Jewish Haikus from Gene. Do not attempt to drink coffee during this section. You will spit it out.
Jewish Buddhism:
If there is no self,
Whose arthritis is this?
Beyond Valium,
Peace is knowing one’s child
Is an internist.
A lovely nose ring,
Excuse me while I put my
Head in the oven.
After the warm rain
The sweet smell of camellias.
Did you wipe your feet?
Her lips near my ear,
Aunt Sadie whispers the name
Of her friend’s disease.
It takes effort to attain nothingness.
And then what do you have?
Bupkis.
Okay, for balance, there’s this:
How many Episcopalians does it take to change a light bulb?
Change? My grandmother gave that light bulb!
We have to face it. Episcopalians just aren’t that funny.
Turns out, this morning produced more to smile about than one might have thought.
I’m a Memphian, and I have to stop now. I have to get the coffee out of my keyboard.
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